Day 12: Being Small & Insignificant

While growing up, I was tall and plump compared to my peer groups. In a country where even infants are not spared of sexual abuse, standing out among the kids of your age with a womanly figure was not easy. It becomes extremely difficult when the mind is not in synch with the body. I remember a sales person grabbing my breasts and squeezing it while I was trying out a frock in front of my parents. As Indian women, we were taught that our body was the root cause of all such problems, not the perverts who were violating our bodies. So I remained mute in all these years. All I wanted was to be small and insignificant so that nobody will notice me.

My prayers were answered in a decade. My friends and cousins evolved and turned into beautiful women and somehow I was left in the same state as before. At a time when girls complained and worried about their beauty, I was perfectly content with my small and insignificant body. I felt invisible and that was essential for my freedom. In Joan Didion's words, " I am so physically small, so temperamentally unobtrusive, and so neurotically inarticulate" it helped me survive in a world that was not built for me. After a very painful break up, my body shrank again and I never felt that much power before. I was thinking that if I go on like this, may be some day I will truly become invisible. But then again life took some unexpected turns.

I moved to China when I hit 30s. It was difficult to hide there with my dusky skin and kinky curls. It was also the first time I saw admiration in the eyes rather than lust. I became comfortable in my own skin and started enjoying who I am for the first time in my life. I started accepting compliments graciously and my confidence also soared high. Ot took half the lifetime to figure out a way to embrace my physical appearance. Even now, there are difficult days. But I have learned to accept the difficult days also. I remain small & insignificant even now, but charmingly.