I am not a hypocrite, you are!
It was in April 2022 that I realised I am autistic. Since then I have been reflecting a lot on my life, especially my early life. This has brought out some interesting surprises to me. For example, even last year when the psychiatrist asked me if I was bullied, my answer was no. However, that simple question itself made me question the narrative I was telling myself. There is so much internalised blame and I took everything on myself. "Others or the world was perfectly behaving and I was being too sensitive"- My narrative went on like this. It took going through many convoluted circles to reach a point where I am compassionate to myself.
A lot of bullying came from my family of origin itself. Grown-ups in my family loved to make children cry and I was an easy target for them. I behaved differently from my cousins in the same age group and that also added another round of bullying. The school was comparatively safer until adolescence. Life was traumatic and there is no easy or less harsh way to say that.
The point of writing this piece is to tell a story where I was the bully. I moved to a different school for my eleventh standard and ended up in a group of four girls -- one was my "supposedly" best friend from the previous school and the other two were new. As someone who was doing better than the other three in terms of academics, I had some sort of power in the group, unlike my school years. It made me feel important.
We went to this entrance coaching classes arranged in our school in the summer where there were some outside students. There was only one girl and since she was all alone I felt like chatting with her and invited her to sit with us. Rare moments of extroversion in my life! But after a point, we seem to realise that she chattered away too much and was becoming unbearable to the others. I was always spaced out in my own world and I didn't mind her chatter that much. I don't remember how exactly we started isolating her. At that point, it was all about fitting in for me and when my friends said she was annoying I had to agree. We started sitting in a different place in the classroom so that she knew that we didn't want her in our gang anymore. The invisible rules and politics inside female groups are something that continues to perplex me.
Days passed and we continued to behave rudely towards the other girl. One of my friends saw her crying near the bathroom corner one day. When she mentioned this to us, I couldn't help remembering how many times I was that girl. But that didn't change my behaviour or I didn't have the guts to turn against my friends. I remember seeing her sitting alone on one of the back benches and the sad look on her face. It is something that continues to haunt me ever since my self-discovery. The teenage years are terrible for any girl. I wish I had known better. But we live in a dog-eating dog world and some of these things were so deeply conditioned in us. If we don't have someone wiser and older to guide us, we end up imitating those around us. I wish I was kinder. Maybe those who bullied me also wish the same.
It is not that I am going to go and apologise to everyone I hurt in the past. In this particular case, I don't even remember her name. But I believe there is grace in admitting that we are also terrible human beings at times. Even though we cannot undo any damage we induced, we can be mindful about doing better. It took me 36 years to figure out my hypocrisy and I hope I continue to call out my double standards to evolve into a better person. Coming into awareness is the first step!
