Swimming Home
Some years back, when life seemed to be at a standstill, I decided to learn swimming. The decision was mostly due to the pestering from my roommate than my interest. On the first day, our instructor showed us the way to stay afloat in water - alignment of the body and breath control. It was easy enough for us newbies. He showed us some freestyle techniques like how to breathe in through the mouth, how to hold the breath underwater and to breathe out when coming out of water. Although it seemed confusing in the beginning we picked it up slowly. So the first week went smoothly because we were in shallow waters.
In the second week, our instructor took us to the middle of the pool where it was 8 ft deep. Now things got a bit scary for the adults like us. The kids in our group jumped when their names were called for because for them it didn't matter whether it was 5ft or 8ft. They were never depending upon their feet to land on the swimming pool floor. Also, kids being just kids and enjoying whatever they were doing. We knew that our fear was irrational. We had the wall to hold on to, our instructors standing beside the pool and yet jumping into the water where we cannot land on our feet felt like the scariest thing to do.
When our instructor understood that we were not going to jump willingly, he started pushing us to the pool one by one. When my turn came, I remember sinking so deep into the pool and not able to remember what techniques to be used to stay afloat. The instructor dived into the pool and helped me to float. Water has gone into my nose and I was not feeling well. But something has changed when I finally came out of water that day. Instead of being more terrified of water, I wished to be more in water. I liked the feeling of sinking to the bottom, understanding the heaviness of my body, at the same time reminding me to kick start the techniques to survive and to feel the calmness when I could finally come out of the water and see the blue skies. It was a way of convincing myself that whatever depth I have been trapped into, I have a fighting spirit. My relationship with swimming changed on that day. Though I never became a good swimmer I would have liked to, I got the will to carry on with my life despite the scariness of it all.
In the third week, we were asked to jump from the deepest end of the pool, which was 20ft in depth. Our trainer showed us how we can dive into the water. Till then being comfortable in the water itself was such a blessing for me. I never thought there is more to swimming than just floating in the water. The first few times the diving angle was not proper and I ended up falling flat in the water and it was extremely uncomfortable. But I vividly remember the feeling when I got the angle right! ob boy! I was ecstatic. it was like finding my way through a dark forest. The smooth transition from air to water, going deep into the water and the rapidity with which my body got adjusted to all changes in microseconds - amazed me.
That monsoon, we floated and spent time in the pool like a couple of hippos, while poetically admiring the dark clouds in the sky. We even spent our weekends in the pool. It helped me sleep better at night and to avoid them altogether chaotic life. In a way, I was living in an escapist's paradise. With swimming and work, I barely had time to think about other aspects of my life. Then, that's what I wanted. Even though it was escapism, it helped me cope during that dreadful time. Looking back, I am stunned at the way I handled those times. Just like someone who doesn't know swimming and yet jumps into the pool, I didn't have any clue on how I am wading through the deep waters of life. I was barely trying to stay afloat and once in a while when I felt alive I was jumping again to the water, but always at the wrong angle. I was hurting myself again and again in the process. And while learning to swim, I found the right angle and I was able to deep dive in to the murky waters of life without being suffocated.
Even though I never became a confident swimmer, those three months of training helped me see life from a different perspective. I took chances, said yes even when it scared the shit out of me, showed up and worked my ass off for everything I believed in. And I saw my life taking a different direction. For the first time in my life, I felt confident in my skin. In a way I was swimming towards myself and that was home.
