A scroll through LinkedIn raises the inferiority complex each day. Even though I stay away from almost every other social media platform, I keep LinkedIn active. No extra points in guessing the motivation for that. I apply for jobs and in between look at others' profiles, all the while comparing my professional journey to theirs. In Instagram, it used to be personal journeys -- who is having money, house, taking vacations etc. LinkedIn screws me up in a different way. Although I am quite aware that everyone's journey is different, it is hard to let go of the constant comparison. It pushes me to have a life that is expected by the outside world even though I have always been trying to go the other way.
It's been two years since I joined the present company. There were moments of both euphoria and despair. Now it is mostly despair. In the first year, it used to be discomfort. Now I am comfortable but sad. When I read about it, I know that majority of women in tech careers feel the same way after being in the race for almost a decade. In a way, I am not alone. It made me realize that maybe I am not fit for climbing the corporate ladder. I tried to get rid of this thought thinking that I am finding excuses for my behaviour. But that's not true. It is an incredibly difficult task if you don't have any sponsors to promote your work.
Managers want to dump their dirty work onto their juniors. Those who are ready to put up with that can have a corporate climb easily. It is not easy for me to say yes to such work after working thirteen hours a day. I don't want a promotion at the expense of my sanity. I was clear on that. It hurts me to see that my work is not getting appreciated. I am sad that conscientiousness is not enough. I am not claiming that I am faultless. I had difficulty in connecting with people, especially managing up, and this gave the upper management the impression that I am not up to mark. It is a mistake to learn from when I move to the next place.
I have lost my sleep for many weeks before communicating my final decision. I kept delaying it and finally, in the last week I took the plunge and resigned without having a backup plan. I thought my anxiety will shoot up. Strangely I feel calm and reassured. I know it is always better to leave the places where we are not valued. In the short term, everything might look bleak. But we will find a way through the darkness.
In my previous organization, the final phase was ugly. So I don't want the same to happen here. I want to part most amicably. I will probably never come back to this company, but goodbyes should be without any malice. I am not sure if I am being part of Great Resignation. But there is a point in everyone's life beyond which we cannot tolerate certain behaviours. When the tech industry is having such a shortage of skilled workers, there is no point in staying in places where we are not valued.
It's been two weeks since I communicated my decision. My world has not yet fallen apart and I still do not have any clarity on the next step. It is something that I am ready to take as the days pass by. There is no hurry, no worry, but only a certain kind of peacefulness that we feel when we move in the right direction. So I believe.