When I couldn’t do anything
There was a time when I went for a walk or run as long as I want for a quick release of endorphins.
Not anymore, I have to watch out not to exceed the step count and heart beat to be able to function.
There was a time when I went to mountains looking for peace and solitude.
Not anymore, the chaos of any kind of transportation and traffic shoots up adrenaline and makes me bedbound for days.
There was a time when I would stuff my brain with others' words to find solace and connection.
Not anymore, the words and emotions from others overloads my fatigued brain and my sleep and memory becomes chaotic.
There was a time when I would binge watch comic series to numb out my emotions.
Not anymore, the fast moving pictures and colours makes my eyes droop and burn.
There was a time when I would stuff my mouth with all sorts of chips to crush my anxiety.
Not anymore, food is more for sustaining life than to sooth my tension.
So what do you do, you ask
I sit with my emotions taking as much space as they need
Although Amma’s voice still whispers in my mind - " Do not cry, do not laugh out loud"
From shouting to a whisper, that has been a huge progress in the past one year.
Tears are hard to come by, but sometimes they pour out when I wake up in the morning.
Anger is more hard and barely recognizable from sorrow.
Exhaustion is not an emotion, I learned that when I was 34.
Love, Do I know how to love?
I have crossed oceans and moved mountains for people who won’t e even jump over a puddle for me.
I have been loved by a soul who was as lost and yet so loyal as me.
When I can no longer do anything else
I am paying attention to my body and listening to my own emotions after a lifetime of suppressing them
An essential skill that I had to earn by pushing every limit my body and mind could bear.
I know how to keep myself afloat in the currents of life, pure survival instincts than anything else.
But I don’t know how to live or how to take care of myself.
This is the time I am learning to live, not just to survive.
I want to live, love, laugh, cry and find out what I love and what I don’t
And whom I love, who are my people and who aren’t!
So I let the days spread out without plans and agendas
Although there are people who shout to join the race
But I have decided that I will run my own race
And I pick up my needles and hooks and maybe add a stitch or two for my own joy!
