When I crossed the border
When I crossed the border that my practical mind had laid out for me, I was scared to death, although I appeared calm as always. Amma kept on asking "How are we going to live? Will you get another job?". I learned to answer them with silence, but inside me the anxiety kept shooting up. My morning pages had this expression of "soul tiredness" in those days.
The last working day came quicker than I expected and nothing seemed to be scarier than not having an income from next month onwards when you are the only earning member of the family who lives in a rented house. I consoled my anxiety by saying I would be refreshed after a two months vacation and would search for a job then. Inside me, another voice kept telling me that nothing was going to change in two months.
I have had trouble with sleep for so many years and after covid I finally seeked the help of a psychiatrist. A 20 minutes consultation with just background information, he put me on antidepressants and sleeping pills. Sad and stressed - that was his diagnosis. He had no idea and had no intention to measure the impact both had on me. He advised me to go ahead with my travel plan.I booked my train ticket to Delhi and one week stay without much thought.
It was March and Spring was all sprung in Delhi. Amidst all the bloom that surrounded me, I felt like an old tree that was about to fall. Fortunately I seeked the help of a psychologist after the constant dismissal from psychiatrist and she guided me to the answers for all the questions I had been asking throughout my life.
It is impossible to recount the experiences of these two years. I was traumatised by random men during those days, felt loved first time in my life by a stray dog whom I lost to death in 2023, found out that I was autistic with ADHD,
was admitted in a mental hospital for weeks, got second covid infection immediately after hospital discharge, got official autism diagnosis because of the constant medical gaslighting, went no contact with parents, was abandoned by best friends after the mental hospital episode, and realised that not everything I experience is psychological.
Despite everything, when I crossed the border, I was finally free!
#writingprompts #ochreskyworkshop #ochreskycircles
