Writing as a non-writer
I have too many labels these days! Do I feel comfortable with those labels? Yes and No! Do I want to add a label of writer to the existing long list? No, I think. I feel a “writer” tag comes with a lot of weight and huge expectations. I remember MT Vasudevan Nair, the most celebrated Malayalam writer, acknowledging his discomfort in calling himself a writer even after a lifetime of writing and making a living out of it. So how do I even attempt?
Let’s call myself a scribbler — not a writer. That’s very important. “Yoga, like writing, the main thing is to show up” — my incredibly talented mentor Raju Tai shared in her Instagram stories. That reminded me that I haven’t been showing up for my writing scribbling. I have completely given up on my scribbling and was immersed in my other crafts. “Ah, Craft! There it is!” The word “craft” triggered the thought process of “crafting” from the last workshop session. I tried to attempt the writing prompt with those guidelines in my mind and all that gushed out was pure trash. I have been a harsh self-critic throughout life, but never been a critic of my scribbling. When I read others’ writing, I would feel my scribbling was not on par with theirs, but that was it. To judge my scribbling as trash was an alien self-attack. Although it would be cool to get recognition and maybe even money through scribbling, my process was never focused on the “craft” of writing. It was as free-flowing and impulsive as anything I have taken an interest in.
My scribbling journey started with scribbling in actual notebooks(Yes, I know I am old). I have retained that style throughout my life and never even attempted to write fiction. I know I could not scribble without using I. Scribbling, like reading, was a cathartic experience for me even when I moved away from physical journals. I have been trying to make sense of the random conversations happening in my brain through my scribbling. So when I heard the fellow workshop attendees worrying about how to proceed after the workshop, I could not help feeling a little lost in their world. There was so much going on!
It occurred to me, rather late, that I have spent so much time learning how to write than actually writing. Like all those half-digested lessons in school, the “crafting” techniques immediately got erased by the closure of the book/workshop and what remained was a feeble voice that yearned to be listened to. Also, after years of trying to review a book, I realized that I cannot do not want to criticize anything. I would rather be an appreciator of beauty than a critic of anything, especially when it comes to art. I could tell you how a book made me feel even though I cannot recall anything from that book.
You might find some pearls of wisdom in my scribbles. But that’s quite honestly, unintentional! I read in a substack bio(Thank you Savvy Soumya) that they write for pure joy. That is how I would like to treat my scribbles as well. If there are pearls or diamonds in here, please shout out. But that’s it. Everything else is just a bonus. So you won’t find any “craft” in here, but a lot of punctuation and grammar mistakes and maybe(I hope) not spelling mistakes. If the reader felt like they had been taken to some other place, it is just a fortunate coincidence for me. My scribbles, like my brain, are ordered and scattered at the same time. The only thing I am doing here is to make it readable in English (hopefully in Malayalam also someday) so that I can share my feeble voice with you all.
Please subscribe for my feeble voice and for any pearls or diamonds you find in here, pay me with likes and comments. I believe that serves me well! If you are a serious crafter, I do manage to make some pretty amazing things with yarns. (Please buy some “crafty” things from me at chembarathicrafts on Instagram)
